As the founder and operator of a social network for Saline County, I get these emails. People ask me things and very often, I have a good and thorough answer. It's not unreasonable for people to assume that I would know something about a variety of things going on in the area. I've answered questions about city government, local businesses, and the details of events like festivals and parades.

By the way, the Christmas parade in Benton is Tuesday at 6:00 p.m. in downtown Benton, with Santa, elves, snacks and entertainment afterward at the courthouse. The Christmas parade in Bryant is Thursday night at 7:00 p.m., from Bryant Middle School to First Southern Baptist Church, with Santa, choirs, snacks and movies at Midtown.

Sometimes though, there are questions that are completely out of my range of knowledge. For example, I encountered the following question in an email on Friday.

"Shelli, I am trying to find my husband a deer camp he could join. Is there any way u could help?"

I gotta tell you, I love sunsets and lake ripples and the rustle of wind through the trees, but you will have to describe my love of nature from a city girl's point of view. I mean, even if I wanted to participate in that particular stage of the circle of life, I wouldn't begin to know how to hunt. I don't have a hunting gun, I don't know where to go to hunt, and if I killed something, I wouldn't know how to get it home or what to do with it once I got it there.

Let's pretend for a minute that I could figure out how to pick up a dead deer. I envision a scenario of me chunking my four-legged freezer buddy into the hatchback of my luxury Malibu, then dressing him in the driveway with some assortment of Pampered Chef knives. Then I'd have to cram the meat into the freezer, in small packages somewhere around the Eggos, popsicles, and Lean Cuisine dinners.

Something really cool about being a member on MySaline.com is that you can put that question out there and somebody is going to have an answer. That's a good thing because I really do not know the answer to that particular question.

And now I'm going to enlighten you on one of the benefits of having a camera on your cell phone.

One morning last week on the way to work in Little Rock, the traffic was moving like an effect sequence in a Matrix movie. (That means slow, y'all.) I was on the access road, putt-putting along with the other morning putters when I saw a woman pull into traffic in front of a guy who apparently thought she was deaf, since he thanked her in "sign-language." Afterwards, as we crept, she would inch up and he would gas it and brake it to keep directly on her rear bumper in some kind of primal alpha-chimp tactic. She was in a tiny Honda and he was driving a truck. I was in the left lane watching this, and as I approached, my window coming into alignment with his, he looked over and smiled at me. Yeah, you're pretty hot, dude.

I mouthed to him, "What are you doing?" and gave him the DME (disappointed mommy eyebrows). His smile left and I moved slowly past his truck with my neck hot. Only too soon, it came time to merge. My vehicle was decidedly before his, yet after the lady who had merged in front of him. I would have to merge in front of him. Yes, the misguided soul sped up in an attempt to head off being another devastating car-length behind.

Oh no, no, no. I'm not putting on the brakes for him. Yeah, it was probably dumb, but I couldn't let him have the satisfaction. It was the natural place for me to merge, and more effort needed to be applied on my part to let Banana Boy go ahead of me. Next thing I know, the rear end of my luxury Malibu is now the object of his truck's affection. Surely he knows that if I put on the brakes, he becomes the smasher, not the smashee, and therefore would get the ticket and insurance hike (assuming he has insurance).

It had been a ways and he was still following closely, when it occurred to me. I have a cell phone with a camera that streams live video to the Internet. It also has a bright pink face plate that makes it noticeable from an ape-o-meter away. One click and wa-BOW! I'm holding the phone up to record his ridiculosity in real time. And one, and two, and he rather evolved into level of intellect that allowed him to take his lower paw off the gas and give my bumper some breathing room.

A minute later, I notice that his turn was before mine, into the driveway of an establishment where he surely must work, or he wouldn't be in such a drawer-pinching hurry. I could tell he would miss me and had cherished our morning commute together, since he waved thanks to me in the very same way he had to the other nice lady.

-
This column originally published on Sunday, Novebmer 29, 2009 in The Benton Courier. Read more of Shelli Columns.