A few times now, this column has been privy to the semi-fictional writings of my friend Yvonne Dougherty of Benton. I’m beginning to think of her as the Marcel Ledbetter to my Jerry Clower. Now she has posted on MySaline.com that she wants to be the Arkansas Nut Queen. If you’re watching what’s going on in the legislative session this year, you’ve seen a few nutty bills. House Bill 1906 should be considered the nuttiest for obvious reasons: Rep. Larry Cowling of Foreman filed the bill to designate the pecan as the official state nut.

I’m rather partial to the pecan, so I was pretty happy to find that the bill had passed in both the House and Senate. Yvonne was ecstatic, because to her, it meant her dream of becoming the state Nut Queen was that much closer.

I don’t know exactly what the duties of the state Nut Queen would be, but it would certainly warrant some kind of nut contest to determine who would wear the crown. If there’s a contest, there will be spectators, so we may as well have a festival. If there’s a festival in which Yvonne’s will compete, and win, then it’s imperative that it take place in Saline County. I see a full-blown Saline County Pecan Festival.

I set my trusty assistant, Google, to work to find suitable itinerary for a proper pecan festival. It quickly became apparent that there most certainly must be a pecan pie eating contest. Next, we’ll need to have the queen contest, so let’s just call that a pageant. A state Nut Queen pageant.

Then we have to have games, so here’s what I came up with for games: Pecan roll race — This is where you take a stick and you roll your pecan to the finish line and try to be the fastest. This is going to beat bed and tiller racing six days out of seven for spectator fun, particularly when you get children involved.

Find the river rock — Get metal washtubs like you used to take a bath in when you were little and weren’t afraid to have your picture taken that way. Fill them will unshelled pecans. Hide a dark brown river rock in each tub and see which contestant is first to find the rock.

Run Like a Nut — This isn’t so much a race as it is the opportunity to show what kind of doofus you can make of yourself (on purpose, at least). This part will have to be motivated by charity; it would really take a nut to want to prove everyone right about his social awareness.

Table Nut Football — It’s like paper football, only you have to thump that nut through the goal from across the table. I think a celebrity tournament is warranted for this event?

Finally, the pageant. What should the qualities of a state Nut Queen be? Yvonne will say that first priority should be given to the person’s name rhyming with the name of the honored nut — Pecan. Yvonne. If you pronounce like I do, it fits. If you pronounce it the other way, it sounds like a restroom, and that can’t be right.

After having satisfied the name rhyming requirement, our fair queen should be able to hook up her guests with a slammin’ pecan pie. Or glazed pecans. Or glazed pecan pie. OK, enough requirements. So, prepare yourselves for the inevitable nutty goodness. Practice your pecan checkers game. Practice your pecan shell sculpture. And above all, practice your curtsy because you may soon encounter the state Nut Queen.

Shelli Russell of Benton is founder and operator of Mysaline.com, an Internet site for people living and interested in Saline County and its activities. Her column appears Sunday. Any opinions are those of the writer.

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