I was home sick on Friday. The weakness could be attributed to my spirit bidding goodbye to the analog television signal. Or it might just be from the many times I drank from my husband’s toothbrushing cup because I’m too lazy to dig in the cabinet under the sink to get my own. But never you mind the latter since the fact is, I can acquire a paper Finding Nemo cup at any point in time, but my precious analog television signal will never, ever return. The public service announcements have spread the word that my television, along with countless others on or about Friday, June 12th, 2009, has become “just a box.”

I can no longer stand in the kitchen and flip from a fuzzy channel 7 to a rolling channel 11. I will never again know the audio hum that accompanies the dishwasher or the buzz produced there in the “box’s” single speaker as the microwave thaws my mashed potatoes. There’s not a television on this earth that will sit in my kitchen – whether knob or clicker – and make that “KHGGCHT! KHGGCHT! KHGGCHT!” sound between the changing of the channels. A moment of silence, please, for the silent televisions in our homes, offices, sports bars and tire-change waiting rooms…

And now, I am making a grand offer to you who read this column. You contact me and I’ll be glad to come by your house to pick up your analog television. Call it a public service or a love for the vintage, but I’ll do it for you proudly, sir or madam.

I’ll do it, because you’d have to be an idiot – that is, a misinformed consumer to not understand at this point in time that your TV still works just fine, as long as it’s hooked up to any number of fun attachments, including a satellite or cable connection, a DVD or VHS player, or a little thing called a digital converter box. Still, give me your TV. Ignore that last bit about hooking a thing to another thing. Let me tell you more about my kitchen entertainment situation.

The television is a 13-incher, and sits on the counter top in the corner of the kitchen. It’s to the left of the stove and the right of the sink. I keep the TV clicker in a Ziploc bag, taped tight so that we can use it while doing dishes (ha!) or cooking dinner (double ha!) without getting goo all in the button crevices. The clicker fits nicely right between the top of the TV and the bottom of the kitchen cabinet. I’m pretty sure builders plan out this type of nook specifically for a 13-inch television.

This one we have was a dandy in its day. It has a VHS player combined with the electronics, all encased in one beautiful black plastic wrapping. The VHS player quit the playing years ago, but it was a nice surprise to find a dollar in there one time. No idea where that came from, but it went right into my pocket without a thought of the original owner.

I don’t think I would have much trouble parting with this TV, since it takes up quite a bit of counter real estate. Actually, when the dishes get too piled up, the electric eye gets covered and the clicker doesn’t work. What I would have trouble parting with is the wad of dough it would take to replace the relic with a new digital model. Counter space provided by a new flat screen would surely be nice, and I’m certain I could even find a way to hang the new TV, whether it was manufactured for that feature or not. But you and I know that the stores know that I’m on the wanting end of that transaction, and therefore, they are on the jacking-up-the-price end.

Here’s the conversation I’m having with my husband: I say we should get a long cord to run from the living room satellite box so we can watch in the kitchen whatever’s being watched in the living room. Jim wonders what to do with the cord after it’s been run across the dining room doorway and the kitchen floor. I tell him that we can just run it under the rug, then he wants my plan for running it under – not over – the counter top. I don’t know. Maybe we should get a digital converter box.

Now there’s just one last thing to figure out. What role in my Christmas décor will the retired rabbit ears play?

This column by Shelli Russell
appeared in the Benton Courier
on June 14, 2009 in an edited version.
See more of Russell's columns.